1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:03,960
FANFARE

2
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,960
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

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FANFARE

4
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NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show.

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And introducing
your hostesses for tonight...

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I'm Mary Maude.
I'm Christine Rodgers.

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I'm Frances Dean.
I'm Penny Brahms.

8
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I'm Joan Crane.
I'm Aimi MacDonald.

9
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,960
And we're all lovely, aren't we?

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ALL: Yes.
But I'm the loveliest.

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ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

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MAN IN A BAD ITALIAN ACCENT:
Let's learn the English.

13
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,960
Today, as usual,
we speak only the English.

14
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Today, the tea party.

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VERY SLOWLY:
I am a chartered accountant.

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00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:11,960
I am also a chartered accountant.

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I am a chartered accountant, too.

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I am a gorilla.

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All four of us
are chartered accountants.

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Except me.

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And we are having tea.

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This... is the sugar.

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Sugar.

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This is a cup of tea.

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Cup of tea.

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And this...

27
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..is a greenhouse.

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I put the sugar into the cup

29
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with the greenhouse...

30
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or "spoon".
Yes, spoon. Yes, spoon.

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Or greenhouse.

32
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What is it?

33
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It is a spoon.
It is a spoon. Spoon.

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I am still a gorilla.

35
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What are these?

36
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
These are surgical trusses.

37
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No! They are not surgical trusses.

38
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They are cakes.

39
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King Alfred
burnt the surgical trusses.

40
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The cakes are on a plate.

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The plate is on a trolley.

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The trolley is on the table.

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It also goes through windows.

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CRASH

45
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The gorilla is cross
with the wop producer

46
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because the gorilla is underpaid.

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If he were paid more, he might
become a chartered accountant.

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CLATTERING

49
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See! See how the gorilla pours
hot tea on the accountants.

50
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Lo! They are scalded.

51
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The gorilla is a reasonable man,

52
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but he has been provoked.

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The gorilla is now happy
to be a chartered accountant.

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I am a chartered accountant.

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I am also a chartered accountant.

56
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I am a chartered accountant, too.

57
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I am a chartered accountant,

58
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but I'm thinking
of becoming a gorilla.

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APPLAUSE

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A lot of people have written in
to ask if I really talk like this.

61
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Well, I don't.

62
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I put it on for the show.

63
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This is what I really talk like,
really.

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Do you know what I mean, darling?

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00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,000
Good evening, and welcome to
another edition of Top Of The Form.

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00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,960
And this evening,
we are at the semi-final stage,

67
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and tonight's contest
is between the boys

68
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960
of the King Arthur's Grammar School
Podbury

69
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and the girls of
the St Maria Kangaroo Boot II

70
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960
County High School And A Half.

71
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CHEERING

72
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And so, without further ado,

73
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960
let's go straight on with round two.

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David...

75
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David, what is the name

76
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,480
we give to the meat
we get from pigs?

77
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,000
Pork.

78
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,800
Good, good, that's two marks to you.

79
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,960
Marcia...

80
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,960
SHE MOUTHS
What is the...

81
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,960
Marcia, what is the name
of the metal alloy

82
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,160
we get from zinc and copper?

83
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,960
Brass.

84
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,160
No, no, I'm afraid not.

85
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,960
The answer is pork.

86
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,960
Malcolm,
what is the capital of Australia?

87
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,320
HIGH-PITCHED: Sydney.

88
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,160
No, no, well, I can see
you're not gonna get this one.

89
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,480
The capital of Australia is pork.

90
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,800
Who wrote the Tale Of Two Cities?

91
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,160
Er... pork?

92
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,960
Good, that's two marks to you.

93
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,640
And, so, on to Stig's question.

94
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:28,960
Stig, what was the date

95
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960
of Captain Cook's discovery
of Australia?

96
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
Pork?
Good, two marks.

97
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:38,800
And the last question
of this round to you, Lust.

98
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,000
Can you...

99
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,960
APPLAUSE

100
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,800
Lust, can you quote the first
two lines of Thomas Gray's elegy

101
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:50,960
Written In A Country...

102
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,640
Pork!
Good. Two to you.

103
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,960
And the... And the score
at the end of round two,

104
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,960
please, Joan Shark.

105
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,800
HIGH-PITCHED: Well, the score
at the end of round one,

106
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:04,960
the boys of the King Arthur's
Grammar School Podbury, three,

107
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:05,960
the girls of the Mildenhall

108
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,960
Grainboiling Institute
Salmontooth, four.

109
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,480
CHEERING

110
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,960
NORMAL VOICE: Thank you, Joan.
And so on to round one.

111
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
Tell The Difference. David.

112
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960
David, what is the difference

113
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,960
between a monsoon and a mongoose?

114
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,960
Er, well, er,

115
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,960
a monsoon is a long plastic pole

116
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,000
you hang out of windows at an angle

117
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to keep the birds away.

118
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And a mongoose

119
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is a box you lock books up in
for Easter.

120
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,960
Hmm.

121
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,960
No, I can only give you
a half for that.

122
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,960
But I can offer it to you, Marcia.

123
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,960
Pork?

124
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,800
No, no, you're guessing, aren't you?

125
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,960
Well, a monsoon is a wind,

126
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960
and a mongoose isn't.

127
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,960
Well, that's quite enough
of that round.

128
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960
And the score, please, Joan Shark.

129
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,960
HIGH-PITCHED:
Oh, at the end of round...

130
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,960
the score is the boys
of the Long John Silver

131
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,960
Accountancy School, seven,

132
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,800
and the girls of Dr Barnforth's
Frogtrampling Institution, 92.

133
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:15,960
CHEERING

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00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,960
NORMAL VOICE: Thank you, Joan.
And round three.

135
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,800
And the score, please, Joan Shark.

136
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:24,960
HIGH-PITCHED: 28.

137
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,960
CHEERING

138
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,800
NORMAL VOICE: Good. And now
on to round four, and butterflies.

139
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,960
And the first question
on butterflies to you, Malcolm.

140
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,960
Malcolm,
what is the capital of Iraq?

141
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:40,960
WHISPERS

142
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,960
Red admiral.

143
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:43,960
No.

144
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960
WHISPERING

145
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,160
Ahem.

146
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,960
Er, cabbage white.

147
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,960
No.

148
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,960
WHISPERING

149
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,960
Oh, swallowtail.

150
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,640
No, no.

151
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:58,960
The answer is Baghdad.

152
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,960
I'm afraid you were
on the wrong track there.

153
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,960
Next question to you, Thano.

154
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,960
You have the next question, Thano.

155
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,960
Erm, er...

156
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
Can I have that question again,
please?

157
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,960
Certainly. Now,
this is a trick question, Thano,

158
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,800
so think carefully.

159
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,960
What is the capital of Australia?

160
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:33,960
Er...

161
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,960
..Canberra.

162
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,960
No, the answer is, of course,
Ottawa, the capital of Canada.

163
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,960
That was the trick part
of the question.

164
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,960
Caught you napping there, Thano.

165
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,960
But I can offer it once again
to you, Joan Shark.

166
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960
HIGH-PITCHED: Ottawa.

167
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,000
NORMAL VOICE: 'Good.
That's two points to you, Joan.'

168
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:57,000
Now, Stig,
what is the capital of North Korea?

169
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,960
Pyongyang.

170
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,960
Yes, but I'm not giving you
any marks for that

171
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960
because nobody likes a clever dick.

172
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,160
And the last question to you, Lust.

173
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,960
Lust, who put marzipan
in Joan Shark's knickers?

174
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,960
I did.
Oh, well done.

175
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,160
Well done. That's two...
No, four marks to you.

176
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,960
And the final score, please,
Joan Shark.

177
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,960
HIGH-PITCHED: Well, the final score,
the boys of Eton College, one,

178
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,640
and the girls
of the Wilfred Mousebasting

179
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,960
School of Guerrilla Warfare, nine.

180
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960
And I've got 22.

181
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,960
So, the scores, three cheers to me,
hip hip...

182
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,640
CHEERING

183
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,960
Hip hip...
ALL: Hurray.

184
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960
Hip hip...
Hurray.

185
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,960
And so...

186
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
And so Joan Shark is the winner.
Well, well done, Joan.

187
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,960
And next week, she'll be meeting
Franklin Goodman in the final.

188
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Good night.

189
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960
APPLAUSE

190
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,800
And now I'm going to read you
the collective thoughts

191
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,160
of the lovely Aimi MacDonald.

192
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:10,960
Chapter one.

193
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,000
The end.

194
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,960
KNOCKING ON DOOR

195
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,320
Yes?

196
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,800
Mr Viney to see you, sir.

197
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:32,960
Thanks, sweetie, show him in.

198
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,800
Oh.

199
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,640
Ah, come in, squire.
Hello.

200
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,000
How are you, Mr Viney?
Good.

201
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,960
Sit down over here, will you?
I'm Dr Vulner. I'll be with you.

202
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

203
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,960
Well, I'm having
a bit of pain from my back.

204
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960
Oh, really?
Well, slip your jacket off,

205
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,960
and we'll see if we can...

206
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960
That's a nice bit of cloth.
Handmade?

207
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960
Er, yes.

208
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,960
What would you pay
for a suit like this, then?

209
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,960
I think it was about 50 guineas.

210
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960
Really? I know a chap
who'll make them up for 30.

211
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:06,960
I'll give you
his address afterwards.

212
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960
Pulse?

213
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960
That's a nice watch.
How much did you pay for that?

214
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
I think it was about £100.

215
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:14,960
I can let you have this one for 70.

216
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,960
Look, self winding, Japanese gold,
three-month guarantee.

217
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,000
No, thank you, really.
20 nicker?

218
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,960
No.
Quite, quite. Quite.

219
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,800
You come to see me
as a specialist,

220
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:23,960
there's a relationship of trust.
Yes.

221
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,960
Ten quid and I'm robbing myself.
No, no.

222
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,960
Thank you very much, no. My back...

223
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,800
OK, squire, enough said,
let's see your back, then.

224
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:31,960
Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

225
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,960
I tell you what, I think
you've been sitting awkwardly.

226
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,320
It's your suit, you know.
My suit?

227
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,960
It binds you round the back.
Now, this tailor I know, Greek boy,

228
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,960
will make you a lovely suit,
won't bind you round the back.

229
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,960
Long lapels,
three buttons, slightly flared,

230
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:44,960
Italian style, mohair.

231
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,960
Very nice,
no back trouble, £30 cash.

232
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,960
Can't say fairer than that now,
can you?

233
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,960
Show me a Harley Street specialist
who can do that cheaper.

234
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,960
I'll measure you now.
It's no problem.

235
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,800
No, thank you very much.
Forget it.

236
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:55,960
I have enough suits. Thank you.
Forget it.

237
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,480
Forget I said anything.

238
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,960
You came to see me
for medical advice, right? Yes.

239
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Right.

240
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,640
How are you fixed
for cup final tickets? Look.

241
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,960
South Stand, E Block,
second row from the front.

242
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960
£7.10 the pair.
No, thank you very much, really.

243
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960
Very good seats. I could get 20 quid

244
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,960
if I hung about outside the ground
on the day.

245
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,800
No, please, my back is hurting.

246
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,960
Your poor back. They are
padded seats, very comfortable.

247
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,320
No!
No. Quite.

248
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,960
Right behind the goal?
No.

249
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
Look, I'm a specialist.
You can trust me.

250
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,960
Some GPs round here,
sell you seats behind a pillar,

251
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
you wouldn't be able
to see the game.

252
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960
Please,
I'm not interested in football.

253
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960
Ah.
My back is very painful.

254
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,320
Ah, tell me...

255
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,960
Do you... Do you take much exercise?

256
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,320
Not enough, I'm afraid.
Ah, you should.

257
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,320
Ever thought of taking up golf?
Well...

258
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,960
You see, these clubs,
I could let them go to you...

259
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,640
No! Thank you very much. No.

260
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,960
Lovely clubs, but no, thank you.

261
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,160
Perhaps another time?
Yes.

262
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,960
How about a game of cards?

263
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960
Find the lady,
very relaxing for the back.

264
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960
No. My back...

265
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,000
OK, on the couch, then,
on the couch. Thank you very much.

266
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,960
We'll have a shufti at the back,
then. Right.

267
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,800
You ever had any... liver trouble?

268
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,960
I think I have a little. Yes.

269
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,480
Mm. Mm. Do you drink a lot, then?

270
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,960
Yes, I do a bit.
Mm, mm.

271
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,800
Wanna buy some brandy?

272
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,960
Best Norwegian brandy, 18p a bottle.
I got a lorry load.

273
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960
No!
You can have the lorry for 30.

274
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,320
Have to get it re-sprayed,
change the number plates.

275
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,320
Schtum, no trouble. I got a garage.

276
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,960
No, thank you, no.

277
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,960
25 quid, and I'll throw in
medical advice. There.

278
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,800
Please look at my back.

279
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,960
Your back, yes, yes, your back.

280
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:27,960
Yes, well...

281
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,960
What you need chiefly...
It's very tense.

282
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,800
What you need is massage.

283
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,960
Now, I know a good masseur.
Brunette, big girl.

284
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,000
No!
Blonde. I'll show you a photograph.

285
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,960
No, I'm not interested in girls!

286
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,960
Ah!
No!

287
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,800
Give me two nicker for the watch.
No!

288
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:42,960
Ten bob?
No!

289
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,640
Give me £1, or I'll hit you.
No!

290
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:45,960
Get out, then, get out!

291
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960
I'll send the boys round.

292
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960
I'll have you done up.

293
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,960
I'll have you done up
for wasting my time!

294
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,960
No wonder
we are all going to America.

295
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960
APPLAUSE

296
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,960
Tonight, I'm appealing... to you

297
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,960
on behalf
of the lovely Aimi MacDonald.

298
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,960
Please give generously

299
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,320
to the Make the Lovely
Aimi MacDonald a Rich Lady Fund.

300
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,480
Send your contributions,
however large,

301
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,960
to me, the lovely Aimi MacDonald,
London.

302
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,160
And please don't forget to mark
your envelopes clearly

303
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,960
on the top left-hand corner -

304
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:38,960
"Lots and lots of money
for the lovely Aimi MacDonald".

305
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Thank you.

306
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,480
And good luck.

307
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,960
APPLAUSE

308
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,960
HE COUGHS

309
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:51,960
ALL: Shh!

310
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
CHAIR RATTLES

311
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:55,960
Shh!

312
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960
RUNNING OUTSIDE
'Stop, thief!

313
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960
'Stop, thief!'

314
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:03,960
RUNNING OUTSIDE

315
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,640
'Stop, thief!'

316
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,960
CLATTERING

317
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:07,960
Shh!

318
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:17,960
BAG RATTLING

319
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,160
Shh!

320
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,960
RUNNING OUTSIDE

321
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960
'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!

322
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:26,960
Shh!

323
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:40,960
STOMPING
Shh!

324
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,960
Excuse me.
Shh! Shh!

325
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960
Excu...
Shh!

326
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,960
Shh!

327
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,960
Shh!

328
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,960
Argh!

329
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,960
All right, I'll come quietly.

330
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,960
Shh!
Quietly.

331
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,320
FANFARE

332
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,640
Good evening.

333
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,960
This is the high spot of the show
each week,

334
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,960
when a well-known star entertains.

335
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,960
This week, it's me.

336
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,000
Next week, it's me, too.

337
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,960
Anyway, tonight,
I'm going to tell a joke.

338
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:50,960
CLEARS THROAT

339
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,800
There was this man,

340
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,960
and his name was Knickers!

341
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,960
The end.

342
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:02,960
APPLAUSE

343
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,960
Welcome to
the Langworth Municipal Ballroom

344
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,800
and Rabbigreasing Institute
in Bogwood

345
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,960
for the finals
of the Gnomefondler Trophy.

346
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,960
We've had a really exciting evening
so far,

347
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,960
with the Archbishop of Reading's
Formation

348
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,960
Old-time Horseknackering Team
taking the group honours.

349
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,960
Well, you've joined us just in time
for the all-comers' medley.

350
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,960
And so, without further ado,

351
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,960
over to the floor.

352
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
LIVELY DANCE MUSIC

353
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,960
Here we see Sonny Ghostrider
and Vinny Mollusc.

354
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,960
Sonny is an exploding boot mechanic
from Huddersfield.

355
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,000
Vinny is wearing
a startling creation in pink

356
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,960
embossed with 18,000 senna pods

357
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,960
which were sewed on
by her grandmother,

358
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,960
ex-heavyweight wrestling champion
Bobby Hardaker.

359
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,000
Last year's champions,
Wally Armitage Parwater

360
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,960
and Doreen Muffblaster,

361
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,000
run a 24-hour black pudding wash
in Grimsby.

362
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,960
Doreen is wearing
a souffle of shocking pink,

363
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,960
corrugated iron,

364
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960
with matching shoes,
headband and rugby shorts,

365
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,960
which, unfortunately, we can't see.

366
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,160
APPLAUSE

367
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:42,480
And now over to the judges
for Sonny and Vinny's score.

368
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,960
4.8.

369
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,960
4.8.

370
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,640
4.8.

371
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,800
4.8.

372
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,960
Which makes a score of...

373
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,960
..quite a lot.

374
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,960
Well done, Sonny and Vinny.

375
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,960
APPLAUSE

376
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,960
And now over to the judges

377
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
for Wally and Doreen's score.

378
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:11,960
4.8.

379
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
4.8.

380
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:16,960
4.8.

381
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:19,960
And 4.8.

382
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,960
Which makes a score of...

383
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,960
..quite a lot, too.
So it's a dead heat.

384
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,960
Well done, Wally and Doreen.
Isn't this exciting?

385
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,960
And now for the first time
on television,

386
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,480
we're going to have a dance-off.

387
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960
LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

388
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,160
Here's an interesting variation.

389
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,640
I don't think
we've seen that one before.

390
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,960
APPLAUSE

391
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,960
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